I never realized how bad country music makes us white people look.....

Matches, Gasoline, and Police Blotter Oh MY!

Well, my friends, it looks as if the classy employee episodes have returned. Remember the store referred to as the Betty Ford Clinic? One of the fine employees based out of that store turned herself into police today for allegedly turning her "man" into a towering inferno. Let me dumb this down for you....

*Employee talks back to husband

*Employee's husband/Baby Daddy bitch slaps Mrs. Sassafrass for thinking she's cute and trash talking.

*Employee gets mad and gets even.

*Employee looks for a spare can of gasoline

*Employee douses Baby Daddy with the accelerant, lights a match, and voila! The man is a human camp fire, minus the smores, of course.

*Employee realizes that she is in deep sh.... when Baby Daddy calls for help while she is on the run.

*Employee's family encourages her to turn herself into police.

*Employee faces some hard time.....

It looks like all those years of listening to Tina Turner ballads really paved the way for these youngsters.

Wait a minute... I never read this chapter in "The Diary of Anne Frank."

Move over Brett Favre, there's a new douche bag in town-Democrat (Pinko) Alan Grayson. This guy has absolutely lost his mind, yet thinks he has done no harm at all by insinuating that the health care crisis is comparable to the Holocaust. He also concluded that the Republicans version of health care reform is to not "get sick."

Grayson reluctantly issued an apology today, "I apologize to the dead and their families that we haven't voted sooner to end this holocaust in America.” He continued on to say, “Republicans want you to die quickly."

Perhaps if the Democrats weren't trying to "fast track" their bills, they might possibly reach a bi-partisan solution. Between the vague health care bill, and the so-called stimulus package perhaps lies some sort of cliff notes to help the rest of the United States understand what the hell the hoopla is all about.

Mr. Grayson, stick a tampon in it!

"I spit and stutter stuff and clutter Worries in my worried corner Maladjusted Just untrusted Rusted Sometimes brilliant busted thoughts..."

A vase full of wilted daisies.... an unread book that I bought over a month ago (I used to read at least 1 book every weekend), the sound of the BART train, and a deep breath....

The projectile vomiting is getting old. As are the feelings of disappointment, doubt, disgust, inadequacy, anger, loss, settling, and pursuing the inevitable. I am simply competing in a game that I cannot possibly win. I no longer have the will or the strength to even care. How dare I say that? Yes, people, I DON'T CARE!!!!!!!!!!

I've been staring at this box in the corner of my house, but I don't even have the determination to put in the mail. I look in the mirror, I want to ram my fist through it. I hate the fact that it's been 33 years, and nothing has changed. I hate what I see, and no amount of plastic surgery can fix it. There isn't a strong enough glue to heal all the wounds that I have, and if there were, I wouldn't have the mindset to go after it.

Hate is a strong emotion. I don't believe I have fully forgiven, nor have I forgotten, but I no longer hate. I guess if I hate anything or anyone, it would be me. One should never let another human being get the best of them. Normal people would be able to shrug it off, pick themselves up off the ground, and move forward. Normal people. I smirk at that. I guess people are like revolving doors. I will never comprehend the acts of a few individuals that I was so unlucky to encounter, let alone, let into my little bubble. They are tiny fragments of a sheet of broken glass. I could name drop, but what good would it do me? They're always right. Remember, it was me that was wrong. It was me that was questioned on the how's the whys the what ifs... I'm used to being the bad guy so what difference does it make? I forgot how perfect their lives are. My judges are hypocrites.

My hostility dates back to 1976. Why the hell was I even born? Life isn't a series of lessons, it's a series of screw ups. It's as if the world kicks back and watches you drown. The world doesn't even offer you a flippin' life jacket. I'm a walking dead person!


If only the surf would sweep me away.....

Betty Ford, and Retail do not mix

This week proved to be interesting enough. A store that has a total of 9 employees is running with a 44% convict rate. What this profound calculation reveals is that the Store consists of ex, or supposedly ex, drug fiends, halfway house inhabitants, thieves, cons, you name it. It's like a smorgasbord of losers.

The Store Manager wants to run a rehabilitation clinic rather than a retail establishment. Her employee of the Month just confessed to a total of two prison terms, manufacturing, using, and distributing Methamphetamine, and burglary. She claims she is clean now, yet for some reason, she keeps hiding behind clothing racks peeking out the windows, thinking the man in the broken down van across the street knows her "secrets" about IRAN.

The role-model salesman of the group also confessed to living in a halfway house. He always sports an "I love Jesus" lanyard, which, by the way, is completely inappropriate for work!!!! He has been accused and has admitted to trying to play hide the sausage with young men who come in looking for a job. The young men had no idea what kind of job they'd be getting....

The entire probe into Sing Sing started with white trash girl informing me that Jesus boy had been sexually harassing her brother. I asked her for specifics. "well.." she mumbled, "My brother had come in to purchase some cologne and Jesus Boy kept making sexual gestures as if he were stroking himself. After my brother left, Jesus boy asked me if my brother would be interested in him.... I told him that my brother wasn't like that. Jesus boy said that he'd give my brother $20 to blow him."

I asked white trash girl if she had told Jesus boy that the comments had offended her. She said she just kind of blew it off, no pun intended. She recalled a text message later on that week between Jesus boy and herself. She said that Jesus boy wanted a ride home from work, but she didn't think it was a good idea because her brother was the one driving. Later she felt bad, so she texted Jesus boy to make sure he had gotten home OK. He texted her and said "I met some guy and sucked him off. It only took me 8 minutes, so he gave me $50, and I got a cab."

I was flabbergasted when I was told about the text. I thought it was peculiar that he was bragging about it taking 8 minutes. I asked her if he had a stopwatch, and why he thought 8 minutes was a feat? 8 minutes is like three hours in man years. He must have gotten lock jaw. Anything past 4 minutes, should require some audience participation, come on now.

It turns out that white trash girl had a lot of skeletons in her closet as well. She was arrested a few years back for grand theft auto, but of course, it wasn't her fault. According to the chain gang, the Store Manager was OK with all of this, and even though they lied on their application, they should be given a second chance. I wanted to give the Manager, aka, Betty Ford a swift kick in the ass, but instead I gave her my nod of disapproval and now I'm forced to babysit and approve all applicants that come into our prison walls.

Rasta Woman is an idiot

<---- Strong enough for a man, but dude is a lady.

So, I have a store that is an utter failure. It's kind of like Jose Conseco in a Mixed Martial Arts fight. The ring leader of the dumb asses is Rasta Woman. She wears her hair in dreads, sports reading glasses that rest on the slope of her nose, as if she is Mother Goose, and wears plus size clothes on her 100 lb frame. When she glides about the sales floor, her tent, aka, shirt, sways as if some housekeeper at the local Motel 6 is whipping a sheet that is fresh out of the dryer. She doesn't have the vocal cords of Bob Marley, but she has the can do attitude of a corpse.

Her beef with me today was that she wanted to be Store Manager because she had worked in that store the longest. If longest was the key word, I was going to have a field day. She takes the longest when processing shipment. She takes the longest to walk from the front of the store to the back of the store. She takes the longest crap in the history of the world. Today, she was in the bathroom dropping it for an entire 30 minutes. That's a lunch break, my friend.

Rasta woman and her gang of slugs need to leave. Every ten minutes, they are fiending for a break. I would like to point out that they are on a permanent break. What could they possibly need a break from? Making excuses?

These people cannot be phased. I could tell them that the owner of the company would be arriving at their store in the next day or so, and it would be like getting a reaction out of a retard at a strip club. Sure there's a lot of hoopla going on, but they are totally oblivious to the fact that they should be excited, and therefore, motivated to bust a move.

I'm sorry but I'm just thinking of the right words to say....

It is 12:17 in the flippin' morning, and while most people are catching up on their much needed and much anticipated post Monday sleep, I find myself restless, awake, agitated and just a scosh annoyed. Do you ever wonder how you've dug yourself into a hole so deep that you cannot possibly get out? I'm not referring to financial debt, emotional imbalance or anything in specific really. I'm speaking metaphorically. The hole that was dug so deep, being a rut. There are people in the world that overcome any mountain, surpassing all odds to reach the summit, and there are others that require a Sherpa to guide them, and then, well, there are the few that can't make it five minutes into the climb.

It's a mind game, that mountain. Sometimes when a challenge poses itself, it's just easier to give up and not bother trying. It's almost as if the world should offer us a restart button, so that we can press it at any time when we feel like we need a recharge. There are literally days that I wake up and I wonder and I think to myself "What am I doing..." I've had the talk with myself for several years now, and every year I look back to see another twelve months wasted and gone just like that.

Life does pass us by. Why can't it be equipped with a yellow brick road, cheat codes, and tour guides? Why is it that things come so natural and so easy for others, while some have their self-doubts? How are some inclined to overcome the psychosomatic stumbling blocks, and others simply close the blinds and retreat into a cocoon awaiting a do-over?

For the over-analytical, such as myself, I find myself pondering the heaven, the hell, the purgatory, the physical life, the afterlife, and all the usual questions that pop up in our heads during our own journeys. If life is one big bowl of mistakes, what's the point? How do we get out of our series of disappointments, pick ourselves up from off the ground, dust off the shame, the guilt, and the humiliation from our faces and overcome that mountain? And if there is a higher being, something or someone far more superior than the human race, and this higher being never gives us more than we can handle, why are there people creating their own expiration dates? At what point does one pick up the gun or the bottle of pills and say, "Game Over"? Do things really get better and if not, why is it wrong or questionable for one to check out? Sometimes the other side seems so enticing...

Casserole's Vag...

Her Gyno's point of view...

Why I love Police Blotters...

MAN FACES CONEALED WEAPON CHARGE AFTER MEDIEVAL ITEM FOUND:A Marietta man was arrested on charges of operating a vehicle while intoxicated and carrying a concealed weapon after a deputy reportedly discovered a box of beer and a medieval-style weapon in his vehicle.Daniel D. Luke, 41, of 907 Garfield Ave., was arrested on the charges Sunday in the Southgate Trailer Park, according to a release from the Washington County Sheriff's Office.Responding to a report of an individual driving past a residence in the trailer park at a high rate of speed and arguing with a resident who complained, the deputy reportedly found Luke walking down the road with a beer in his hand. He allegedly admitted driving his vehicle while intoxicated.When the deputy photographed a box of beer in the car, according to the release, she placed her hand on a sharp object inside the vehicle. She discovered it was a spiked steel ball, connected to a steel handle by a foot of chain, a type of weapon known as a mace or morning star.Luke remains in custody at the Washington County Jail on a $1,000 bond.

Rising up... Back on the streets....

Why is it that when I hear the intro to "Eye of the Tiger" I feel like I'm some sort of badass? I want to start taking on Burma like Rambo, so I start small like taking on Oakland and I end up getting my ass beat! I better slow my roll.....

Arif is Missing

Because he logs the moves of all employees, I decided to log his activities as I visited his store today. Interesting stuff. Here are my notes.

12:01, Arif clocked in. 12:03 he slurped some tea and annoyed me. 12:04 he's still annoying me. 12:06 I want to kick his throat in. 12:07 Arif had to go to the bathroom. 12:08 still in the bathroom. 12:09 Arif messed up the bathroom. 12:10 Arif was on break. 12:15 Arif smacked his lips at me and started telling me about California state law. 12:15-9:00pm Arif finished his sentence about the state law. 9:05 missing person report went out on Arif. I don't know where he is.

The annoying Security Guard

ARRRRREEEEEF is the most annoying security guard in the history of the world. His most annoying habits are:

1. --- He smacks his lips after he speaks a sentence. It's a loud annoying click of the tongue that makes me wonder if he has peanut butter wedged on the top of his palette.

--- After he finishes a sentence, that usually takes a normal person less than a minute to utter, he smacks his lips, and gives you a "Matter of fact" gaze. The gaze itself lasts longer than it took to speak the freakin' sentence, which means the whole time from sentence, to smack of lips, to "freaky stare" equals roughly 10 minutes.

--- He makes his own special Tea that smells like dirty gym socks. As he drinks his tea, he makes an obnoxious slurping noise. It makes me cringe. This goes on until the entire cup is empty. Usually about 20 minutes.

--- He complains of a medical condition in which he must have a bottle of water with him at all times. It's called, Get a fucking IV then.

--- He logs every bit of communication between myself and store personnel on a little note pad. After he types out the day to day activities he request a sit down with myself and the store manager as well as him, and wants me to fire everybody and keep him.

--- He cries when his highlighter stops working and when people blame him for pissing on the toilet seat.

--- He is 40 years old and pouts.

Dumbass Employee of the Day...

Tiffany: "Are there any other jobs that you didn't list on your employment application?"

Dumbass: "Yes. The ones I got fired from."

Tiffy's Weight Loss Mission

I'm no beefcake or anything, but I've noticed the extra poundage I've been putting on the last few months. My appetite has been exceeding my activity. Basically, I'm sitting on my ass stuffing my face. There was a time in my life that I could eat whatever the hell I wanted and not gain a pound. Those days are over, sister.

I never thought there would be a day that I'd count my calorie intake. I certainly never thought there would be a day that my tummy had the same girth as my ass, and that I'd be contemplating buying elastic-waisted jeans. Three words: It Fucking Blows.

I looked down at my naked thighs today only to see a heaping mound of cellulite. Yes, I had to squeeze and prod to get those actual results, but it was like a dose of reality smacking me right in the face. So, here's the goal. I want to do away with the Google Earth display going on on my body. I've got more nooks and crannies than a satellite image! I'm putting myself on an 880-990 calorie a day diet. I've also invested in some colon cleanse pills. I'm on day two of that. So far, nothing. I've ingested more fiber than an old bag on a pure Metamucil diet. Perhaps my body will eliminate some impressive waste. You've seen the infomercials. I want to see the kind of stuff that clogs toilets, and looks like a giant wad of seaweed trapped up in my colon walls. I want to see this so-called Spackle and paste that has clung to the walls of my digestive tract.

More tales from the Bay...

It was last Saturday. I arrived at Mullet girl's store. She had a scowl on her face, which isn't much different than any other day, but she also adorned an odd glazed over look in her eyes. I decided to take the bait. "What's wrong, Suzy?" I asked without even a hint of inquisitiveness. "Tiffany, these people are sickos!" She replied.

I kind of let it go in one ear and out the other until a sales girl came out of the fitting rooms holding a used condom. "Somebody left a bunch of balloons in the fitting room... with spit in them." I was in shock. I yelled at the sales girl to throw it away and go wash her hands. "That's definitely not a balloon," I said.

I went over to the fitting rooms to check out the situation. The first stall I approached seemed fine enough, the second had some clothes in it, and the third... "Oh My!" A teenage girl and her Latin lover were going to town on each other right before my eyes. I politely told them to get dressed and go splurge on a cheap room at the local Motel 6. A few minutes later, they exited in a hurry. Her hair resembled Diana Ross in deep humidity, and he looked like he had just expelled the grandest shit of all time. He was smiling from ear to ear.

I scoped out the infamous fitting room. On the bench were two more used condoms, and a money shot oozing down the mirror. I immediately yelled for the sales girl to come on over and clean up.

I'm wondering how that little boy had so much juice in him. By the looks of the fluid that exited him, he should have been lifeless, but he was a champ, a real trooper.

An Actual Incident Report from a Store... I'll give you a prize if you can figure out what was going on. Also, I didn't edit this in any way.

Describe what happened Customers walk in store and they go strait to the shoe deparment, one of the customers turned around and sees Gigi Green(ass. manager) and started making comments towards her.Then the customer walks over to register two were Gigi green(ass. manager) is working and says " Now what bitch you aint got shit to say now ,say something now and i will fuck you up" The manager Andrea frierson who is at the register with Teneka Howard(mit) giving her change that she has got from the bank puts the money up then she proceeds to call security over to the store. As this is all going on four other customers that walked in with the customer are yelling at Gigi Green and one is saying" everytime i come in this store and that bitch is in here she always got something rude to say, watching me and her fat ass is always standing at the register making her stupid ass comments and laughing and im sick of that bitch thats why when i see her i leave" By then security has entered the store and is walking the customers out the door when one of the customers turns around and is trying to move Andrea Frierson(manager) out the way to fight Gigi Green who is at the register waving and saying 'have a good day" to the customers. So then the customer knocks down all the shoes in the display window and says to Andrea Frierson" you see what im talking about i cant stand her ass, who is the manger of this store" Andrea Frierson lets the customer know that she is the manager . Then the customer starts telling Andrea Frierson that when shes not here Gigi Green is very rude and makes comments about him being gay and points at him when he comes in and talks about him to the associates. So after talking to Andrea Frierson he finally leaves the stores with the other four customers. About thirty minutes later the customer walks in with three different customers he walks over to the register and says to Andrea Frierson" i want to apologize to you thats not my character to act like that, but everytime i come in its something different with her(Gigi Green) but thats still no reason to act like that and i am truely sorry. But im going to get that bitch when she comes out the door" then they leave.

Tempers go on high

I just got through taking a statement where an employee was claiming that her supervisor was sexually harassing her. She said that the store manager made racially inappropriate jokes about her culture. When I asked her to elaborate, she stated that she, the sales associate was of Guatemalan descent. I asked her to go on with her statement. She continued on to say that the Store Manager made a joke about Guatemalans being inbred.

When I asked about specifics of harassment, Guatemala girl said that whenever her husband would come to pick her up from work, that the store manager, would say, "Look. Here comes your cousin."

I had to excuse myself...

I have more Tales from the Bay... stay tuned tomorrow. I will enlighten you. By the way, I'm alive!

Susie

Has a shmullet... a she mullet. I want to hand her ass some great clips coupons and tell her to go get a real hairstyle. It's all business up front, and a party in the back.

More tales from the Bay

Store 5 0h hell no was visited today, and lets just say it didn't go so well. The Store Manager scheduled herself to arrive after the fact, and her store was in complete disarray. She thought it looked nice. Sure it looked nice. Underneath the miles of dust bunnies, mud-stained floors, and smudged mirrors and glass, the store may have looked mediocre. Oh wait, no it wouldn't have. The store was a hot mess. If we were running a Ross or a TJ MAXX, it probably would have received an "A" grade, but this production was completely unacceptable.

Suzy, the Manager, stood behind a counter and watched with her eyes of wrath as the Director of Stores picked apart her store. "This is tewwible. I need pwoof that we going to make the gwade" he bellowed in his not so easy to understand diction.

I motioned for Suzy to join us, and perhaps take some notes, but she declined. She knows it all. She used to run $21 million stores. She makes sure she reminds me of this every time I see her. I wanted to ask her where she ran her $21 million store? Into the ground? She has the personality of a corpse, and she's just about as stiff as one too.

She actually was offended because I accused her of not being prepared for her visit. "My store looks nice," she said.

I wanted to ram her in the urethra with the hangers that she left all over the floor from the night before. My luck, they'd all fit, and the company would be out of hangers again.

Until next time....