Why I love Police Blotters...

MAN FACES CONEALED WEAPON CHARGE AFTER MEDIEVAL ITEM FOUND:A Marietta man was arrested on charges of operating a vehicle while intoxicated and carrying a concealed weapon after a deputy reportedly discovered a box of beer and a medieval-style weapon in his vehicle.Daniel D. Luke, 41, of 907 Garfield Ave., was arrested on the charges Sunday in the Southgate Trailer Park, according to a release from the Washington County Sheriff's Office.Responding to a report of an individual driving past a residence in the trailer park at a high rate of speed and arguing with a resident who complained, the deputy reportedly found Luke walking down the road with a beer in his hand. He allegedly admitted driving his vehicle while intoxicated.When the deputy photographed a box of beer in the car, according to the release, she placed her hand on a sharp object inside the vehicle. She discovered it was a spiked steel ball, connected to a steel handle by a foot of chain, a type of weapon known as a mace or morning star.Luke remains in custody at the Washington County Jail on a $1,000 bond.

Rising up... Back on the streets....

Why is it that when I hear the intro to "Eye of the Tiger" I feel like I'm some sort of badass? I want to start taking on Burma like Rambo, so I start small like taking on Oakland and I end up getting my ass beat! I better slow my roll.....

Arif is Missing

Because he logs the moves of all employees, I decided to log his activities as I visited his store today. Interesting stuff. Here are my notes.

12:01, Arif clocked in. 12:03 he slurped some tea and annoyed me. 12:04 he's still annoying me. 12:06 I want to kick his throat in. 12:07 Arif had to go to the bathroom. 12:08 still in the bathroom. 12:09 Arif messed up the bathroom. 12:10 Arif was on break. 12:15 Arif smacked his lips at me and started telling me about California state law. 12:15-9:00pm Arif finished his sentence about the state law. 9:05 missing person report went out on Arif. I don't know where he is.

The annoying Security Guard

ARRRRREEEEEF is the most annoying security guard in the history of the world. His most annoying habits are:

1. --- He smacks his lips after he speaks a sentence. It's a loud annoying click of the tongue that makes me wonder if he has peanut butter wedged on the top of his palette.

--- After he finishes a sentence, that usually takes a normal person less than a minute to utter, he smacks his lips, and gives you a "Matter of fact" gaze. The gaze itself lasts longer than it took to speak the freakin' sentence, which means the whole time from sentence, to smack of lips, to "freaky stare" equals roughly 10 minutes.

--- He makes his own special Tea that smells like dirty gym socks. As he drinks his tea, he makes an obnoxious slurping noise. It makes me cringe. This goes on until the entire cup is empty. Usually about 20 minutes.

--- He complains of a medical condition in which he must have a bottle of water with him at all times. It's called, Get a fucking IV then.

--- He logs every bit of communication between myself and store personnel on a little note pad. After he types out the day to day activities he request a sit down with myself and the store manager as well as him, and wants me to fire everybody and keep him.

--- He cries when his highlighter stops working and when people blame him for pissing on the toilet seat.

--- He is 40 years old and pouts.

Dumbass Employee of the Day...

Tiffany: "Are there any other jobs that you didn't list on your employment application?"

Dumbass: "Yes. The ones I got fired from."

Tiffy's Weight Loss Mission

I'm no beefcake or anything, but I've noticed the extra poundage I've been putting on the last few months. My appetite has been exceeding my activity. Basically, I'm sitting on my ass stuffing my face. There was a time in my life that I could eat whatever the hell I wanted and not gain a pound. Those days are over, sister.

I never thought there would be a day that I'd count my calorie intake. I certainly never thought there would be a day that my tummy had the same girth as my ass, and that I'd be contemplating buying elastic-waisted jeans. Three words: It Fucking Blows.

I looked down at my naked thighs today only to see a heaping mound of cellulite. Yes, I had to squeeze and prod to get those actual results, but it was like a dose of reality smacking me right in the face. So, here's the goal. I want to do away with the Google Earth display going on on my body. I've got more nooks and crannies than a satellite image! I'm putting myself on an 880-990 calorie a day diet. I've also invested in some colon cleanse pills. I'm on day two of that. So far, nothing. I've ingested more fiber than an old bag on a pure Metamucil diet. Perhaps my body will eliminate some impressive waste. You've seen the infomercials. I want to see the kind of stuff that clogs toilets, and looks like a giant wad of seaweed trapped up in my colon walls. I want to see this so-called Spackle and paste that has clung to the walls of my digestive tract.

So much drama in the SFO, and somebody better slow their roll....

I've experienced a case of writer's block, and I cannot perform the function of smart ass blogger today. I apologize for my neglect of this here bloggerooni, but it seems that a co-worker of mine got her ass handed to her by the big boss and decided to dish out the details of my blog. Lucky for me, and the so-called confidentiality report, I haven't named any names of the employees, nor have I disclosed our place of business.

I would like to also state, for the record, that the person who has caused her own drama in the workplace by running her mouth to subordinates, may just be a tad jealous because unlike her area that she happens to oversee, I don't have to put myself on schedules for coverage purposes. It's simple. If Suzie develops Ebola Virus, Tiff says, "Suck it up you mullet haired beyyyyyatch. Your ass better get to store 5...OH... HELL NO... on time."

Quite contrary is bum hurt because her gossip caught up with her. But like all rumor stirrers, she reacted by using the three "D's" DENY, DENY, DENY. And here's a newsflash for Quite contrary... "Cody doesn't work for the company any longer. Stop blaming Cody for your own lack of competency."

Did I mention that I can be a bitch?

More tales from the Bay...

It was last Saturday. I arrived at Mullet girl's store. She had a scowl on her face, which isn't much different than any other day, but she also adorned an odd glazed over look in her eyes. I decided to take the bait. "What's wrong, Suzy?" I asked without even a hint of inquisitiveness. "Tiffany, these people are sickos!" She replied.

I kind of let it go in one ear and out the other until a sales girl came out of the fitting rooms holding a used condom. "Somebody left a bunch of balloons in the fitting room... with spit in them." I was in shock. I yelled at the sales girl to throw it away and go wash her hands. "That's definitely not a balloon," I said.

I went over to the fitting rooms to check out the situation. The first stall I approached seemed fine enough, the second had some clothes in it, and the third... "Oh My!" A teenage girl and her Latin lover were going to town on each other right before my eyes. I politely told them to get dressed and go splurge on a cheap room at the local Motel 6. A few minutes later, they exited in a hurry. Her hair resembled Diana Ross in deep humidity, and he looked like he had just expelled the grandest shit of all time. He was smiling from ear to ear.

I scoped out the infamous fitting room. On the bench were two more used condoms, and a money shot oozing down the mirror. I immediately yelled for the sales girl to come on over and clean up.

I'm wondering how that little boy had so much juice in him. By the looks of the fluid that exited him, he should have been lifeless, but he was a champ, a real trooper.

An Actual Incident Report from a Store... I'll give you a prize if you can figure out what was going on. Also, I didn't edit this in any way.

Describe what happened Customers walk in store and they go strait to the shoe deparment, one of the customers turned around and sees Gigi Green(ass. manager) and started making comments towards her.Then the customer walks over to register two were Gigi green(ass. manager) is working and says " Now what bitch you aint got shit to say now ,say something now and i will fuck you up" The manager Andrea frierson who is at the register with Teneka Howard(mit) giving her change that she has got from the bank puts the money up then she proceeds to call security over to the store. As this is all going on four other customers that walked in with the customer are yelling at Gigi Green and one is saying" everytime i come in this store and that bitch is in here she always got something rude to say, watching me and her fat ass is always standing at the register making her stupid ass comments and laughing and im sick of that bitch thats why when i see her i leave" By then security has entered the store and is walking the customers out the door when one of the customers turns around and is trying to move Andrea Frierson(manager) out the way to fight Gigi Green who is at the register waving and saying 'have a good day" to the customers. So then the customer knocks down all the shoes in the display window and says to Andrea Frierson" you see what im talking about i cant stand her ass, who is the manger of this store" Andrea Frierson lets the customer know that she is the manager . Then the customer starts telling Andrea Frierson that when shes not here Gigi Green is very rude and makes comments about him being gay and points at him when he comes in and talks about him to the associates. So after talking to Andrea Frierson he finally leaves the stores with the other four customers. About thirty minutes later the customer walks in with three different customers he walks over to the register and says to Andrea Frierson" i want to apologize to you thats not my character to act like that, but everytime i come in its something different with her(Gigi Green) but thats still no reason to act like that and i am truely sorry. But im going to get that bitch when she comes out the door" then they leave.

Tempers go on high

I just got through taking a statement where an employee was claiming that her supervisor was sexually harassing her. She said that the store manager made racially inappropriate jokes about her culture. When I asked her to elaborate, she stated that she, the sales associate was of Guatemalan descent. I asked her to go on with her statement. She continued on to say that the Store Manager made a joke about Guatemalans being inbred.

When I asked about specifics of harassment, Guatemala girl said that whenever her husband would come to pick her up from work, that the store manager, would say, "Look. Here comes your cousin."

I had to excuse myself...

I have more Tales from the Bay... stay tuned tomorrow. I will enlighten you. By the way, I'm alive!

Susie

Has a shmullet... a she mullet. I want to hand her ass some great clips coupons and tell her to go get a real hairstyle. It's all business up front, and a party in the back.

More tales from the Bay

Store 5 0h hell no was visited today, and lets just say it didn't go so well. The Store Manager scheduled herself to arrive after the fact, and her store was in complete disarray. She thought it looked nice. Sure it looked nice. Underneath the miles of dust bunnies, mud-stained floors, and smudged mirrors and glass, the store may have looked mediocre. Oh wait, no it wouldn't have. The store was a hot mess. If we were running a Ross or a TJ MAXX, it probably would have received an "A" grade, but this production was completely unacceptable.

Suzy, the Manager, stood behind a counter and watched with her eyes of wrath as the Director of Stores picked apart her store. "This is tewwible. I need pwoof that we going to make the gwade" he bellowed in his not so easy to understand diction.

I motioned for Suzy to join us, and perhaps take some notes, but she declined. She knows it all. She used to run $21 million stores. She makes sure she reminds me of this every time I see her. I wanted to ask her where she ran her $21 million store? Into the ground? She has the personality of a corpse, and she's just about as stiff as one too.

She actually was offended because I accused her of not being prepared for her visit. "My store looks nice," she said.

I wanted to ram her in the urethra with the hangers that she left all over the floor from the night before. My luck, they'd all fit, and the company would be out of hangers again.

Until next time....

Piece of Shit Rental Car

<--- This Rental Car is probably the biggest Piece of Crap I have ever ridden in. It's called the Dodge Calibur, but it should be called the Dodge Crapibur. The vehicle resembles a cross between a Ford Focus and a wtf.

The gas tank holds a whopping 9 gallons of pure Texas propellant. The car lacks power ANYTHING. Power windows are so 2008, and this car is 2000 late. If you're wanting the windows down, you will have to crank the handle. Remember 1978? If so, welcome back.

If you don't mind a stagecoach for horsepower, this may be your car. It goes from zero to five in twenty minutes. You may not feel a lot of Oomph from this hot rod, but you will hear a sonic boom coming from the muffler area.

My rating for this car is "Blows Ass." I rely on power windows, power locks, and quiet mufflers.

Peeps should be extinct

1. Peeps.... Who the hell thinks pure sugar cane coated marshmallows are a good idea? They should come with a free oral hygiene screening. That's whack!

Usually, peeps are found hiding out in my Easter basket. They can be found buried in the faux grass that I tend to find even months after Easter. It is most often the culprit for clogging up the vacuum, and sometimes, I even wake up with it wedged between my toes as it finds its way under the sheets.

This year I'm 86ing the whole Easter basket idea. It actually insults my intelligence. As if an Easter Bunny comes to my house in the wee hours of the night and drops off a bucket full of unhealthy treats. Take the shit to the homeless shelter! Most of the homeless population doesn't have a full set of teeth, so I say, let them deal with the peeps.

Fungus Breeding Finger Nails....

The Tales from The Bay continue....

This week, an employee was gnawing on her fingernails and I couldn't help but notice the fungus build up beneath what I guess you'd call her nail...
Correct me if I'm wrong, but if fungus spreads, wouldn't her teeth and tongue now be a fungal breeding ground?

My New Anti-Todd Campaign Poster

J_ck_ss
Do_che B_g
AS_ W_pe
H_ad C_se
TODD
And the problem lies with…. The “T” word

*****Please see the comments on the post titled The Special Olympics New Ad Campaign is Retarded!

This Yugo is Equipped for the Snow

The Special Olympics New Ad Campaign is Retarded!

It isn't enough that we have to censor our words and walk on egg shells when asked to describe a person. Not that I condone the use of the "N" word or any offensive language that is deemed as derogatory to any specific group, but I do think that we've become a society of softies. If one uses the wrong lingo to describe another individual, he or she is automatically put on the hot seat. He or she must defend his or her actions, which in most cases, ends up in a full publicized apology.

To put it bluntly, I think that this advertisement is absurd. It is ridiculous to compare the word "Retard" to any of the referenced material on the poster. Every year or so, a group of people decide to cause an uproar because certain phrases or diction offends them. We have become a country where political correctness is the norm and if one doesn't participate, he or she is labeled as a racist, or a bigot among other things. What makes me laugh is that the words that they would like us to refer to them as are usually long sentences that mean the same exact thing!

This comes straight from The Special Olympics--- "The ads designed by BBDO New York, will challenge the public -- with language meant to raise eyebrows -- to think about the issue more deeply. The campaign uses slurs against Asians, homosexuals, Jews and African-Americans to make the point that language can be harmful to all groups, including people with intellectual disabilities..."

Are you effin' kidding me? The article then goes on to say...March 31 is being billed a "national day of awareness," a call to Americans to recognize and rethink their use of the word "retard," or as the organization would prefer, the "R-word."

The R-word? Good God. We used to call them special. Even though, there's not much special about them. Then, we were supposed to call them, slow. Every year it changes. Intellectually challenged? Give me a break! I want to start a campaign. People with educational challenges are taking our jobs. I don't see them affected by the recession. Nope, they are bagging my groceries at Safeway, which, by the way, takes them three hours longer, and is a complete waste of payroll. They greet me at Wal*Mart. No longer will you see the feeble, gout ridden, geriatric. You will only see a Corky impostor.

I will continue to use the R-word. It is an easy way to get from point A to point B. Slow, retarded, educationally challenged, special, and my personal favorite, gifted, all mean the same thing. March 31st isn't a day of awareness, it's the last day of March.

UGH!!!!

I'll admit it. I've been lazy. Maybe lazy isn't the correct word, but I've been neglectful of this blog. I've been dealing with people that should have been knocked off a long time ago. Do I wish death on these people? No, but I do think that if society could pick and choose it's members, the world may be a better place without the special people in it. I know I'm rambling, but I'm right.

In the past month or so, I've encountered people that would much rather pay for a "Life Coach" than pay for their mortgage. I've witnessed people voluntarily give up their residences so that they can pay for credit cards. What the hell? Is it me, or do you ultimately need a roof over your head? Lets go back to the Life Coach real quick. This so-called Life Coach is more like a scam artist. He's pretty good. I like how he preys on the less than average-minded Joe. How the Life Coach charged $800 a month and got away with it is beyond me. This person actually paid $800 a month. Where did that get her? Homeless, up to her goiter in credit card debt, collecting food stamps, and voting for Barack Obama. That's pretty low.

So, needless to say, after a month of dealing with financially decrepit people, insubordination issues (yes more tales from the bay to continue), and really shitty crab cakes, I think I need a nap.