Mike ShanaTAN's Full Time Job....

Now I know why The Denver Broncos can't get Sh@# done this year. Not that I'm a huge fan, but it kind of slows my roll when people ask where I'm from, and I reply with a swift, "Denvah." They always get a look of disgust on their face. Sometimes it offends me. It's not like I'm from Detroit or something. They see the what the f... in my eyes, and then they redeem themselves. "Oh, it's a beautiful place. Love the mountains, but what an awful team."

I end up busting up in laughter, "Yeah, the Rockies suck ass!" The other person looks bewildered almost as if he wants to take a massive dump, but can't find a spot to let loose. "No, The Broncos." I would have to agree. The Broncos could use a remodel.

Last night I went to a tanning salon to get some color on my pasty skin, when I noticed a familiar chipmunk like face working behind the counter. He was a little older than most men that work at the tanning salons, and he was sporting a Rolex. His name badge read: Mike ShanaTAN Coaching Genius That Will Never Get Fired. His skin was leathery yet bronze. His hair had a bleachy glow. His teeth were so white that if I stared directly into them, my retina would be charred and I would be in the same boat as Ray Charles. He was folding towels while jamming out to "China Grove" when I approached him.

"Excuse me," I said. "Can I get some help?" ShanaTAN hustled over to the counter. "Hey, aren't you Mike Shanahan?" I asked. "What's wrong with your team?"

His face went from happy go lucky to psycho A-hole in 2.3 seconds. "Listen B#$%$, off the field I'm ShanaTAN." I was taken back a bit. "Oh," I replied. "Shouldn't you be with your team practicing right now?" I asked. He tilted his head to the side. "We don't practice. Practice is for 4th grade boys taking up the trumpet."

"Why are you working here anyway? Pat Bowlen pays you a good salary." I was growing inquisitive.

"Listen whitey, the recession hit hard. My wife can't spend as much at Neiman's, and my dog has to eat bagged dog food now. Not to mention, I had to pay the deductible on Jay Cutler's arm amputation. If I want to look fine and tan, I can't be splurging. I get free tans if I work here 45 hours a week. I also get a recruitment bonus. Royal, and Prater started here last week. Travis Henry is doing his community service through us too."

Needless to say, I never made it into a tanning bed. They were all occupied by the entire Denver Broncos offense and defense.