Tiffy's Weight Loss Mission

I'm no beefcake or anything, but I've noticed the extra poundage I've been putting on the last few months. My appetite has been exceeding my activity. Basically, I'm sitting on my ass stuffing my face. There was a time in my life that I could eat whatever the hell I wanted and not gain a pound. Those days are over, sister.

I never thought there would be a day that I'd count my calorie intake. I certainly never thought there would be a day that my tummy had the same girth as my ass, and that I'd be contemplating buying elastic-waisted jeans. Three words: It Fucking Blows.

I looked down at my naked thighs today only to see a heaping mound of cellulite. Yes, I had to squeeze and prod to get those actual results, but it was like a dose of reality smacking me right in the face. So, here's the goal. I want to do away with the Google Earth display going on on my body. I've got more nooks and crannies than a satellite image! I'm putting myself on an 880-990 calorie a day diet. I've also invested in some colon cleanse pills. I'm on day two of that. So far, nothing. I've ingested more fiber than an old bag on a pure Metamucil diet. Perhaps my body will eliminate some impressive waste. You've seen the infomercials. I want to see the kind of stuff that clogs toilets, and looks like a giant wad of seaweed trapped up in my colon walls. I want to see this so-called Spackle and paste that has clung to the walls of my digestive tract.